Oh the Places You Will Go (in 2016, as the parent of a toddler)

In response to the NY Times’ 52 Places to Go in 2016 (which … [glances at bank balance] ha, hahahahaha … ha), I offer the following list of 27 places to go, for parents of young children:

  1. The public library.
  2. The park.
  3. That weird rest-stop bathroom beside the highway because the baby had beans for lunch and oh good grief, we got leakage, this is not a drill, I repeat, not a drill, just pull over, yes, right here, how is it even possi-.
  4. The park again.
  5. The zoo.
  6. Costco. (A father: “Look at the deal on these wipes! Seriously! That’s like, .37 cents less per wipe compared to Target! I just did the calculation on my phone! Should we be recording this moment for posterity? High fives for everybody!”).
  7. Anywhere that gets you out of the house after it’s been raining for five days straight. Anywhere. Even Costco.
  8. The park again.
  9. The bookstore.
  10. The office. So you can, you know, pay for diapers (why did no one ever tell you how much diapers cost?).
  11. The museum.
  12. The park. Again.
  13. That place that offers free food for kids on Tuesday nights.
  14. Bed. Because children don’t care what day of the week it is, breakfast is always served at 7am sharp.
  15. The pool.
  16. Vacation. (From work, not from your children. There is no vacation from your children).
  17. The construction site, to say goodnight (or an old house in Paris, covered with vines).
  18. The farmer’s market.
  19. The sidewalk. You can collect leaves you find and point at cool cars that go by (with or without children).
  20. The Island of Sodor.
  21. The coffee shop (drive thru).
  22. The backyard, by yourself, to stare into space and worry about how you will pay for a new set of tires.
  23. One of those terrible, germ-infested ball pits.
  24. The doctor.
  25. The park. Because it really is great. I mean: Swings. Slides. Benches.
  26. The biggest puddle you can find.
  27. Deep within yourself, in case you need a reminder that yes, you will survive, and yes, you’re going to miss all of this someday.